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To live a homosexual lifestyle is not a Sunday school picnic.  It is a rough, tough and filthy lifestyle.  Be prepared to read things that might shock you.  My testimony is one of “no-compromise”.  According to the Bible, homosexuality is a sin and cannot be compromised on what God’s Word says.  Being gay is NOT okay, however if we give God the chance, He takes over and heals completely.  We read in John 8:32 “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free”.  In 1 Cor 6:20 “For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.”  In Gen 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created him; male and female created he them”. 

I am 48 years old now and was delivered from my past on the 3rd of May 2012.  I am going to take you back in time to the age of being a 4 year old.  This is as far back as I can remember my childhood years. 

We moved to Harrismith, stayed in a house with 2 rooms, my parents in one and my 2 brothers in the other.  I slept in the open plan lounge/kitchen.  I remember specifically one night I woke up seeing the most ugly and huge frogs, sitting all over the room.  There is no way I can describe the fear I felt that night.   From that night I dreamed the weirdest scariest dreams.  It made me feel totally out of control.   Our children dream and come to our bedrooms crying, this is not always just scary nightmares, a Child’s spiritual eye is open until a certain age and this results in the child been able to see in the 3rd or spiritual realm.  We must ask God to show us when it is only a bad dream and when it is really something the child saw in the spirit. 

I was a bit of a loner, being a middle-child between 2 much older brothers and a sister 7 years younger than me. At a stage thoughts came to my mind of why I am a girl, why not a boy.  I did not feel like a girl.  I disliked wearing dresses, I wanted to wear shorts all the time.  I could not understand why I did not have a penis like the other boys.  I just did not feel at home in my body.  In my teenage years I realised that I had developed feelings for girls and women.  I started to have fantasies about women.  I could not understand what was happening with me, but I knew that it was not right.  I tried to suppress the feelings and concentrated to like boys.  I never dated, I never really had friends, maybe one or two.  For some reason the other children were afraid of me, I was never aggressive in any way. 

After school I started my studies at UNISA part time and started to socialize quite often.  I came into situations where my lady friends would undress in front of me, I was so shy about what the looks of a naked woman did to me.  This just could not be happening to me!  This had to stop and I made a radical decision to like men.  I started to date men, I decided that I was straight and that’s it!!  I dated 1 or 2 men before I met my husband for who I really prayed God to bring on my path.  Deep inside of me I also had the desire of been happily married and been a mother, therefor I really seriously prayed to God for a good husband, which I eventually met and we got married.  For about 5 years of our marriage all went well.  In that time I gave birth to my 2 beautiful girls.  I put everything into my marriage and family to make a success of it. 

Out of the blue all the old thoughts on homosexuality came back.  I had uncontrollable dreams about women.  To make matters worse, I started to dream that I hade a malformed penis, either too big or very, very small, and the moment I touched it, it fell off.  Feelings of being a freak started to haunt me.  My marriage went from bad to worse to nothing. 

If I became friends with a woman, I would always fall in love, live in secret and shame with the feelings and fantasies.  No one ever knew about it.  I started to do research in the Bible, on the internet, bookstores, everywhere, to learn more on homosexuality and the right or wrong of it.  My question was, if it is wrong, why did God make me like this?

I really worked hard on my marriage, it just had to be a success.  I just had to get rid of this homosexuality, by this time I called it by its name.   My marriage was a place of total emptiness.  I begged for love and attention but got none.  He lived for his work. To compromise for a life of nothing at home I started to work harder, I started to play tennis about 3 to 4 times per week.  In a way I neglected my two daughters.  It was much more fun between my friends than to be at home.  I organised holidays away from my husband, in a big way he started to irritate me.  I always took a lady friend and my children with me.  In early 2006 I met a woman and we became very close friends in a very short space of time.  Once again the old homosexual feelings were haunting me but I kept it a secret. One night in my own home we were watching dvd’s until late that night. To this day I do not know how we ended up kissing each other.  This was the beginning of a very hurtful, secretive affair. However despite the feelings of guilt, for the first time in my life I felt fulfilled.  I knew that this was what I was and wanted.  I decided to leave my husband.  I moved away from the town where we stayed.  I left the business I worked so hard for, for a teaching job, just to be with this woman.  I took my daughters with me and in a way it was a good thing.  I had more time available to spend with my children.

We carried on the affair for about six months when the other woman one day told me that she wanted to end the affair and only be friends. 

Out of the blue she felt the physical part was a sin, she told me that she would always love me but it had to stop there. 

During this time my mild depression became more serious.  I started to have anxiety attacks, and severe chest pains.  I consulted my doctor and he changed my medication.  For a few months I was okay until my friend one evening told me that she met a man, he was married, but he wanted to leave his wife and marry her.  This rocked my boat totally.  It felt as if I lost the anchor in my life.  I had no one else but her.  My health went from bad to worse.  I became aggressive and by times we fought so intense that I physically attacked her.  I was out of control.  I would jump into my car and just take the road, drive until I would not know where to anymore.  Once or twice I tried to kill myself but just did not have the strength to pull the trigger.  My friend made an appointment with a councillor, the councillor referred me to a psychiatrist.  My medication was changed once again, this time with success.  In one of the sessions at the psychiatrist, she told me to accept the fact that I was homosexual.  I was furious, at that time I believed what the Bible said about it, I never went back to her.  I started a course in spiritual counselling.  Part of the course was discussing homosexuality as a sin and for some reason I totally rebelled against this.  I stopped the course and started to look for biological proof for being born homosexual, which, according to myself at that time, I found.  I accepted my homosexuality and started to date woman.  I went from the one married woman to the other.  I was surprised to find so many married women who are actually homosexual.  In January 2011 I met the love of my life, as I thought about her.  We fell in love and she moved in with me only 2 months after we met. All hell broke loose.  My girlfriend and ( my ex-girlfriend) the other woman could not see eye to eye.  The one fight followed on the other.  It became such a bad situation that I decided to move to Pretoria.  This I did without having another job.  At that time I was so arrogant that I thought I could walk into any company immediately.  I could not get a job.  I tried everything to make a living, losing a lot of money in the process.  For about 8 months I struggled to pay the bills.  I sold everything of value.  My depression was so bad at this stage that I would burst for any little problem.  My girlfriend started to withdraw more and more from our relationship.  I knew I was busy losing her and this made me more terrified.  I started to provoke her, I picked fights, just to get her attention.  Most of the time she ignored me and this made me furious.  On Sunday evening, 29th of April 2012, I was in one of my fighting moods.  It was so serious this time that she could not ignore me.  I pushed her around and swore at her and her little girl.  They were very afraid of me as I really was very aggressive.  The little girl phoned her grandmother as well as one of my girlfriend’s previous lovers.  They locked themselves in a room.  The grandmother phoned back and I answered the phone, swearing and yelling at the poor old lady.  I started to pack my clothes and left the house.  Just before I drove off the ex-lover stopped at our house, very worried.  She tried to stop me leaving as she saw that I was in a very bad state.  I planned to run my car somewhere off a cliff, I couldn’t live like that anymore.  She managed to talk sense into my head and took me home with her where I spent the night with big remorse.  I could not believe what I had become.  I started to speak to God, asking Him what went wrong with me and where to from there.  In a clear voice He said to me, come to Me and I will give you peace.  I asked but Lord, how?  And He reminded me of the pastor I met 8 months before, also delivered from homosexuality.  I knew this was my answer. 

For two days I drove past the church hoping that the pastor was there, but to no avail as the Tuesday was a public holiday and they also did not work the Monday.  Wednesday I found luck but had to wait about an hour to see him.  A voice kept on telling me that I am wasting my time but it was as if I was stuck on the stairs where I sat waiting.  The pastor was so glad to see me when they came out, told me that he was praying for me all this time.  He referred me to a woman who took me through a deliverance process.  God totally set me free of homosexuality and severe depression and since then I am serving Him with great passion. 

The 3rd of May 2013 I will be free from homosexuality and severe depression for a year.  The road towards total healing is not easy.  The attacks from Satan are sometimes very intense however with God in my life I can resist the devil.  (James 4:7)

I did some research on the causes or roots of homosexuality and came upon some interesting results.  The main cause for homosexuality is rejection.  From rejection flows a long list of problems like fear, pride, rebellion, lust and perverted sexual sins, depression, self-pity, false religion, anger, feelings of guilt, perfectionism, bone diseases, etc.

I have suffered rejection my whole life through.  I tried to remember from my childhood years if I was ever rejected by my parents but I know that I was truly loved by them.  Then I discovered about bloodline curses.  My mother and sister also suffered from rejection. I then realised that this must have come from our bloodline.  I also could not understand where the spirit of lust got hold of me until one day while doing research on the roots of homosexuality I came upon very interesting information on lust.  When lust manifests, it can be in the form of a frog. Revelation 16:13 speaks of unholy spirits like frogs.  I remind you about the “dream” of frogs I had as a little girl. One of the devil’s most powerful weapons is fear.  He will use fear to open someone’s soul in order to plant demons.  When I saw the huge frogs, a spirit of fear came over me, opened my spirit and the spirit of lust, present in the form of the frogs, and could enter me, only to haunt me for years. 

Satan blinded me in such a way that I could not see the truth of the Bible about homosexuality.  In Romans 1:27 we read “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.”  I totally misread the part “of woman”, reading only “leaving the natural use”.  This convinced me that because I was “born” homosexual, it was not natural for me to be with a man and therefore I did not sin by living as a lesbian.

 

After my deliverance sessions I concentrated on filling myself with as much as possible of the Holy Spirit.  I started to listen to only Gospel music.  I collected hundreds of teachings of various ministers.  At first I suffered to concentrate reading, to compensate for that I listened to the audio Bible until one day I found myself reading again.  It is very important to fill yourself with the Holy Spirit because Matthew 12 tells us about the unholy spirits who will come back to see if its old house is available.  I cannot stand the thought of falling back in the old filthy lifestyle. 

Are all the old feelings towards the same sex totally gone, is a question many people ask me.  Because I learned a lot on the working in the spiritual dimension I can say that I do not have attraction towards women anymore.  I do in fact experience attacks from evil forces trying to convince me that I am still homosexual.  Ephesians 6:12 tells us about the wrestle against the powers of darkness.  John 8:44 tells us that the devil is the father of the lie and John 10:10 tells us that he has come to steal, kill and destroy.  In Matthew 4 we read how Jesus was tempted by Satan.  Jesus answered every time with “it is written” which teaches us to resist the evil with God’s Word.  Jesus gave us all authority over evil spirits according to Luke 9:1.  Most important, James 4:7 tells us to stay in God, resist the devil and he will flee from us.   Without Christ we are nothing but with Christ we are more than conquerors.  Romans 6:5 and 6 teach us that sin will always be present, torturing us, but as reborn children of God we are dead for sin and will not serve it anymore.

Physically I needed to undergo a total change of mind set.  Ephesians 4:23 speaks about the renewal of the mind.  I prayed to God to teach me to become the woman He meant for me to be when He made me.  Slowly but surely I started to think like a woman.  My two beautiful daughters help me choose my clothes.  In the time when I was living openly as a homosexual woman, I became more and more butch and I had to change back to a lady.  Today I can honestly say that I think and act like a true woman.  I can only thank and praise God for that.

I did several courses on counselling and demonic deliverance to equip myself for the task ahead, telling people of God’s healing power for homosexuality and depression, God gave me.  I am now involved with a group of women, helping anyone God send on our path.  What an amazing adventure to serve the Living God!

God called me to bring a message of hope and healing to homosexual people.  He wants to set you free from all bondages.  He did it for me and He wants to do it for you.  If you are homosexual and you are reading here it means that you are seeking help.  Do not hesitate!!  Give God a chance!  If you need help you can contact me through my face book page “Gay Healing” or on my email address This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

Remember God loves you!!!